Detachment

Written by

Elvis Gwaro

in

I define detachment as the ability to pursue anything without getting attached to the outcome of your pursuit, i.e., whether you get it or not. The opposite of detachment is attachment, and it’s something many can relate to. For instance, if you are pursuing a crush, and you get attached to that feeling, you sign your emotional state and self-perception to the outcome of your pursuit. If she accepts you, your self-worth gets a boost. If she turns you down, it crashes your ego. Detachment is when none of the two outcomes matter. Whether she accepts or rejects you, it doesn’t change how you feel after the fact or how you perceive yourself. Note, however, that detachment doesn’t mean ‘not caring about anything.’ You can care about a goal passionately and at the same time not be attached to it. 

********

It’s wise to detach from as many worldly things as possible because it sets you free. If everything you experience defines how you feel and view yourself, you’ll wallow in misery. I say this because failing is not just inevitable but also frequent. You fail every day. Some days even end without you getting anything right. So if you define your self-worth from your failures, you’ll have a low sense of self-worth. But if you detach and not let your failures define you, you’re free. You can do things passionately for the sake of it. And what a free way to live when you choose to experience life just because you can. 

********

There are two kinds of people who need to cultivate detachment. First, emotional people—people who react to almost everything. People whom it’s easy to make happy, as much as it is to soil their mood. If you’re fond of taking everything personally. If you think all that’s happening around you is connected to who you are, you’re bound to be attached to plenty of things that really don’t matter. Secondly, it’s people with low self-esteem. People who struggle to believe in themselves often come from environments that trained their focus on failure instead of progress or possibility. They were told they don’t matter and they won’t amount to anything. They’ve tried so many things, failed, and internalized helplessness. Both emotional instability and low self-esteem come from a habit of getting attached to external conditions and outcomes.

********

Detachment is the surest way to reverse both states. When you detach from your feelings, you move from being a reactor to an observer. When someone insults you, it doesn’t affect you because your mind no longer places any weight in their words. You see them as a projection of their personal issues rather than a definition of who you are. So it doesn’t move you a bit. Moreover, if you detach from outcomes, you shift from defining your value as the culmination of what you’ve achieved and not achieved to the culmination of your experiences. This means, therefore, that you see your wins and failures objectively, as experiences. You see failures as evidence of your ability to go outside your comfort zone, to get things done—things most people are afraid to even try—to live, and to learn. That’s an affirmation that your worth has grown just because you experienced life, which is what we all ought to do. This helps you move on from failures easily and faster. You become less vulnerable to emotions of failure and find it easy to pick yourself up and move on.

********

Now, how do you practice detachment when you’ve had much past conditioning that caused you to try to control everything? 

It starts with realizing that you actually need very little. Air, water, food, sleep, and health. With just that, you can live fully. Everything else is a nice-to-have. Remind yourself every time you sense attachment issues creeping in. 

Next, realize that the reward is not the outcome, but rather, the process of pursuing the outcome. Look at the journey you’re on as an enjoyable experience. After all, you’re stacking experiences and developing skills. 

Thirdly, remember not to wait for the result to be happy. Human desires are insatiable. You’ll never get to a point where you have ‘everything you ever wanted’ because that changes ‘every time you get what you wanted.’ At any moment, you’re as happy as you make up your mind to be. If you keep this in mind, you’ll find it easy to let go of any desired outcome as a course for your inner peace. 

Lastly, practice detachment. It won’t be easy to start becoming aloof and objective with every goal you pursue, especially if your conditioning is anything but. However, if you look at detachment as a muscle to train for so long that it becomes second nature, then you can master the art of detachment.

********

If you don’t know what you need to detach from, maybe focus on anything you think defines your value. For most people, it’s their level of success, especially in comparison to their peers. Whenever they see friends sharing happier, more respectable, more comfortable lives on social media, they feel it’s a sign they aren’t doing enough or something went wrong somewhere. For others, it’s who they want to be in a relationship with. Others mind about their status in the society and how others treat them. There’s more too. But when you look at all these examples, one thing is common: they all stem from ego (the urge to be in control). So we can sum it up by saying, anything you peg your ego on, learn to detach. 

********

Two interesting quotes I came about. This

In detachment lies the wisdom of uncertainty. In our willingness to step into the unknown, we surrender ourselves to the creative mind that orchestrates the dance of the universe. 

…and this…

The things we chase with desperation often feel the hardest to obtain, while those we approach lightly sometimes fall into place with surprising ease. 

Inspired by:

More posts