My Christmas Gift From Santa; Fear

It’s 4 am, on Christmas day. I woke up at around 3:30 to the annoying meows of cats outside. I chased them away, but I could hardly catch some sleep on returning to bed.

During such moments, I cannot save myself from drowning in a cloud of thoughts. I spend hours thinking about mistakes I’ve made and how it would have turned out if I had made better decisions. 

I am who I am today because of my little choices every day.

To wake up late, spend an hour in bed watching YouTube videos or scrolling through social media before waltzing to the kitchen to make breakfast.

To waste another hour before I can sit and get some work done, allow distractions to get the better of me all day, and complete a 4-hour task in 8 hours.

To watch our depressing Kenyan news in the evening and jump over to YouTube for a couple of hours before I retire to bed late.

And to repeat that cycle every day for the past year. 

Such a lazy way to live. How would I expect to have a better life?

Looking at my accomplishments over the past 1 year, I have little to be proud of. 

Things need to change, I thought.

Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. Clearly, I have been insane.

I relax in my soft spot and fantasize about an ideal life where I have the luxury of time, experiences, and material possession. But, I never make sacrifices to attain this dream.

Last week I visited a high school friend called Kevin. It had been years since we last met. The reunion was way necessary.

I walked into his one-bedroom apartment, and oh boy, was I surprised. A 55-inch flat-screen majestically grazed the center of a well-furnished sitting room. On the opposite side of the room was a 3 seater recliner sofa set from Victoria Court. Such couches normally go for hundreds of thousands. The kitchen area was equipped with a fully-packed fridge, oven, microwave, and fancy-looking utensils and cutlery.

Two years prior, Kevin was a university graduate with just but his clothes and laptop. Now he has a beautiful place he can call HIS HOME. He secured a job with an international auditing firm and was earning over 120K a month. Meanwhile, I enjoy rent-free living in my father’s Nairobi house.

Where did I go wrong? How could I fall behind this much?

So as I lay on my bed trying to catch some sleep on Christmas eve night, I thought of Kevin. Materialistically, Kevin was living the life I wanted. Meanwhile, I languished in mediocrity because I couldn’t make better decisions or sacrifices.

I realized that if I continued sleeping, I would continue to stagnate. 

The thought scared me, and I sprung out of bed and made a prayer. 

That God slaps this fear on me every morning. 

That this trepidation grows in intensity day after day, so I can learn to make bigger sacrifices than waking up before 4 am. 

That my tolerance for hardships and willingness to make tough decisions grows because I know time is not on my side.

Then I turned on my laptop and started typing.

Follow up

I previously talked about mistakes I believe cost me the year 2021. Two of them were failing to network and not finding a mentor.

I have made a step towards changing this narrative by enrolling in a freelance content writing course by Walter Akolo. Walter is one of Kenya’s leading content writers featured in major publications, including the HuffPost.

As I ride along with his mentorship over the next 4 weeks, I’m making deliberate efforts to network with him, so I can build personal relationships that would get me on his recommendation list for jobs in the future. 

My fingers are crossed. Wish me lack.

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